I fear failure

on fear and hesitation

I am not afraid of trying or at least that’s what I tell myself

I think of the things I want to do, the person I want to become, the life I want to live. in my head things are very clear. but thinking is not the same as doing.

something between thinking about it and doing it stops me

Fear

what if I’m not good at it?
what if I embarrass myself?
what if they see me as incompetent?

and it comes up in the smallest and biggest decisions of life from wanting to take up a new hobby to leaving jobs to applying to new ones.

so I don’t do anything. I stay where I am because it’s familiar, comfortable and safe. if I don’t try I don’t fail, if I don’t put myself out there, there’s nothing to judge, nothing to regret.

but that’s the thing about regret

the quite kind which shows up on random afternoons and 3am’s

you are left to wonder what would have happened if you had just taken a chance, if you had ignored that voice in your head, if you would have just done it scared. because everyone is scared at some point even the people you aspire to be like would have been scared.

failure is not the opposite of success it’s a part of it

but even learning that doesn’t change things overnight it takes time and constant effort. it takes putting yourself in uncomfortable situations and it’s not easy but it becomes when you keep doing it.

I’m starting to learn that I can’t let fear decide what my life looks like. The person I want to become won’t exist if I let fear make all my decisions. yes I’ll make mistakes along the way, maybe a lot. Or maybe I’ll fail

But it will be alright

Because I’ll know that at least I tried.

And there’s a comfort in that

.