I became my own safe space

I have always been the person people came to.

for advice, for comfort.

I became the person who knew what to say, who listened without interrupting, who knew how to make things sound okay even when they weren’t. people told me I was mature for my age and I took it as a compliment, like it was something to be proud of, like it was something that I had achieved.

being mature meant I handled things differently. I was calm in situations I should have cried and been messy in. it meant I was the person people could rely on. as I grew up I realised I didn’t want to be mature I just wanted to be a kid. I wanted to be messy, unapologetic, I wanted to make mistakes, I wanted to be me.

but I didn’t really have a person I could rely on.

I grew up in an average brown household where feelings weren’t really communicated. on top of my immense trust issues which never let me open up to people (and honestly I am kind of grateful for them)

and so I kept to myself

i cried alone, wiped my own tears.

broke down and built myself back again

I always wore a mask. I pretended like everything was perfect when really I was breaking inside. I wanted someone to just notice and ask me if I was okay, someone who would just listen to me, protect me, someone who I could talk to freely.

and now that im 21 I haven’t really changed, I’ve mastered pretending.

now I have friends I can talk to, really talk to (whom I absolutely adore because they’re the most understanding and lovely human beings) but I don’t, not about what truly matters, not the deep emotions, not the haunting thoughts. and now its not because I don’t trust them I do but because now I just don’t really know how to talk about my feelings. I know what I feel and it’s really clear in my head but putting it into words is where I struggle. and maybe I’m scared of the vulnerability it actually comes with.

but I do think there is one thing I learnt from this. I learnt to actually sit with my emotions and go through them rather than jumping onto the next best thing.

sometimes the only person you need is you, the only advice you need is from you because even if someone gives us the best advice we aren’t going to take it till we are actually ready to take it. i want to believe that it wasn’t meant to be or i will find something better but deep inside it’s the loss of what i wanted that hurt so bad.

so I don’t even know how to end this because I feel that everyone deals with things in their own way but nobody should have to act like an adult when all they are is a kid and nobody should have to feel this lonely when all they want is for someone to choose them.

so yes even though now I have become my own safe space, the little girl in me still hopes to find someone who’ll gladly take that position.