I have lived my entire life like I was constantly being watched.
I believed for the longest time that everything I said, did, wore, posted was being noticed and scrutinised. I replayed conversations wondering if I sounded stupid, if I said the wrong thing, if I should have stayed quiet. Until recently I believed people were actually paying that much attention.
It showed up in small ways.
I wouldn’t raise my hand in class even when I knew the answer. I wouldn’t participate in events because I didn’t want to do it alone. if I had to speak I would practice the sentence over and over again in my head. I would read a text a million times before I finally hit send. I wouldn’t put forth my ideas because what if people thought they were stupid.
I lived thinking so much of what others would say that I forgot what I wanted to say.
and then late at night I realised something
aren’t people too busy thinking about themselves to be thinking about me. not because they’re rude or self absorbed but because they have their own thoughts, their own worries. everyone is the main character in their own head.
the sad part is that you realise what’s stopping you aren’t other people, it’s your idea of people, it’s the imaginary audience in your head that makes you out to be the main character.
but that audience doesn’t really exist.
and even if someone does notice, they move on just like you do.
think about the last time someone said something a little awkward. you might’ve noticed it, thought about it briefly but you didn’t carry it with you, you didn’t think about it because you were busy thinking about the things you said.
something that you thought was a big deal was just a moment in time for others. words you keep repeating are lost memory for them. they didn’t even notice what you beat yourself over for days.
you can do whatever you want, say whatever you want, wear whatever you want.
most people won’t notice and the ones who do will forget. and the one’s who don’t… let’s be real they were gonna have an opinion no matter what.
but knowing that doesn’t change things overnight, you don’t stop overthinking, or become confident, it takes time but you surely don’t care as much.
so yaa no one really cares and that’s not something to be afraid of, in fact it’s more freeing.
so be cringe, be embarrassing, be smart, be stupid,
be quiet, be loud, be too much, be not enough,
be real, be YOU.
to be cringe is to be free.