the scroll that never ends

lately I’ve been wondering how I became so bad at paying attention.

I can’t watch a movie without checking my phone. I can’t read a few pages without wanting a break. I can’t write without drifting away from my thoughts. I can’t get through a 30-sec ad without picking up my phone. I can’t even sit alone with my thoughts, even silence has started to feel uncomfortable.

it wasn’t always this way.

so what changed?

it didn’t happen overnight. it wasn’t like I woke up one morning and couldn't focus on anything anymore, it happened so gradually that I didn’t even notice it till it was too late

one reel became ten

ten became fifty

checking my phone for a minute became scrolling for forty five

I'd pick up my phone wanting to check something but my thumb would immediately reach for the apps

it’s become a muscle memory

sometimes I catch myself reaching for my phone before even deciding why I’m picking it up. my thumb just knows where to go before my brain does and honestly it’s a little scary. I’ve forgotten how to be bored.

I'm an only child, so I've spent a lot of time on my own, I didn’t have such easy access to the internet and I didn’t have a problem being bored. I’d make up stories in my head, I’d watch cable tv and not only sit through shows but also through ads, I have always found ways to entertain myself.

but now I can’t. I can’t stop myself from switching tabs every few minutes, picking up my phone every time an ad comes on the screen, I can’t read for hours like I used to and I notice how it makes me feel uncomfortable.

I use social media as an excuse for a break, but it doesn’t make me feel relaxed, in fact it tires me, it makes me anxious. I consume content which I forget in minutes. I’m constantly comparing myself to people on the internet, people I don’t even really know. I’m not really thinking anymore, I’m just filling every free minute with scrolling.

I don’t think social media is the enemy.

I’ve found some of my fav books online, some of my favourite shows, I’ve learnt things, it’s a good place to know what’s happening around the world, though those opinions might not always be right.

the problem is how easy it is to lose yourself in it.

I’m not trying to quit social media, but I want to be able to control myself.

I don’t want to lose the girl who could appreciate a movie without a second screen
the girl who could think
the girl who could read for hours on end
the girl who didn’t have a problem being alone with her thoughts

the girl who didn’t have a problem being bored.